‘Have you tried singing’, and other things not to say to a depressed person
Sometimes, the only option is to see the funny side. So here for your (hopefully) amusement, are some of the most terrible and ridiculous things people have said to me when I’ve told them I’m depressed.
‘No you’re not’ – my manager, the words said in a tone of panic, like ‘my upper-class upbringing did not prepare me for this and why are you talking about feelings and please be quiet now and just do your work don’t you know we are British’
‘What are your symptoms?’ – another manager, said while I was displaying many of the symptoms, like ‘it had better be much worse than you’re letting on, because I have real things to do here like sell expensively priced words to the public, and actually you are causing me a lot of trouble and don’t you know we are British?’
‘You don’t seem like a depressed person’ – my mother, said in a tone of genuine wonder, like maybe I’m a bit mistaken. You see, she’s used to depictions of people who can’t leave the bed, and I am still managing to do things like wash my hair.
‘Why don’t you write a list of the positives’ – a counsellor, as though they’d discovered the cure to all existential woe.
‘Have you tried singing?’ – another counsellor. NB. Counsellors are not always highly trained professionals.
‘Is it because you don’t have a boyfriend?’ – a psychiatrist, proving highly trained does not mean an awful lot. OK, it wasn’t phrased exactly like that … it was kind of worse: he mused upon whether my not currently having a partner was down to some kind of personality disorder, rather than just, um, being between relationships.
‘It’ll get better soon’ – this is mostly true, but it is also true that it will seem entirely untrue and downright impossible to a depressed person. It makes me want to scream ‘When exactly, please give me a timeline so I can opt out of feeling until then’.
‘You’ve got to go down the well, not try to climb out’ - again, true that sometimes you just have to sit with your feelings. But I’d really rather not thanks.
‘What do you think it’s about?’ – many, many people, as though this genius prompt is all that’s needed to figure it out, and then, boom, all is well, not depressed any longer, cue hugs and laughter. The truth is, depression is not often ‘about’ anything, and even if it was triggered by something, knowing what doesn’t necessarily help us at all, now or in the future.
There’s my best-of list. I’d love it if any of you wanted to share your own, either in the comments or via email, if it would help you to do so.
Sending love and compassion to any of you who are struggling right now.
Helplines for mental health support and advice
These folks are trained, and in my experience get it right more times than not. So if your own circle of friends and family aren’t able to say the right thing, try them:
Samaritans: 116 123
Shout: text 85258
In the past, I just haven’t talked about it. It comes and goes. The time I was on the couch and couldn’t get up was the only time I got useful advice: you need to go see someone. After seeing someone, I learned being honest about it helps a little. At least, helps normalize that it doesn’t always look like lying on the couch. But still folks suggest making gratitude lists. The shame of *knowing* there’s so much good and still feeling awful is part of the pain, though.
all super annoying. the only kind thing to do for someone who is having any bad feeling is to sit with them in that bad feeling. the temptation when someone brings us a bad feeling is to just say “no, this is not happening” because the reality that we are powerless to change bad feelings (except superficially) is too painful. you’re having a terrible feeling! I see you! I wish I could change the bad feeling for you but I can’t. here, hold my hand (if you’re not a Taurus) until it passes 🩷