In the past, I just haven’t talked about it. It comes and goes. The time I was on the couch and couldn’t get up was the only time I got useful advice: you need to go see someone. After seeing someone, I learned being honest about it helps a little. At least, helps normalize that it doesn’t always look like lying on the couch. But still folks suggest making gratitude lists. The shame of *knowing* there’s so much good and still feeling awful is part of the pain, though.
all super annoying. the only kind thing to do for someone who is having any bad feeling is to sit with them in that bad feeling. the temptation when someone brings us a bad feeling is to just say “no, this is not happening” because the reality that we are powerless to change bad feelings (except superficially) is too painful. you’re having a terrible feeling! I see you! I wish I could change the bad feeling for you but I can’t. here, hold my hand (if you’re not a Taurus) until it passes 🩷
I recently did the NHS webinar for ‘low mood’ (why won’t they just call it depression?) because it was all they could offer quickly aside from anti depressants. The counselor kept saying things like “today try to get up and do just one of the dishes in the sink” or “tomorrow see if you can call one friend and maybe leave the house”. I was fully functioning yet deeply depressed. The dishes were not the issue! And calling a friend is usually the absolute last thing a depressed person wants to do as there is so much shame. There is little understanding for people who aren’t displaying stereotypical signs of depression.
100 million per cent agree. I wonder (though this is unsubstantiated) whether women suffer more with this kind of depression. We're so programmed to keep our shit together and spin all those plates otherwise we won't be taken seriously. So even when we're feeling the worst, it would be EVEN worse to let the dishes not be done. Thank you so much for sharing, it makes us all feel less alone.
Oof, I feel this! Some of my favourites (aka the worst) were: “But you’ve got so much to be happy about!” “How can you be depressed when you’re travelling, you’re so lucky!” “You’re not like ‘kill yourself’ level sad though are you?”
My oncologist said “you don’t look depressed” two weeks after my cancer diagnosis, aged 26. What do you want Karen, screaming and tears? I’m trying to hold my shit together
"So, when you get a job, the depression will be gone, right?" That’s what the person at the unemployment office said to me, just after I was laid off from my job in the health sector. As being jobless was the underlying reason for feeling depressed... It had been a job I genuinely enjoyed. And it was overwhelming for me. The reason I mentioned my depression in the first place was because writing job applications had become... well, difficult.
Thanks for sharing, Katy – and to everyone else who’s left a comment here. Thanks for the love and compassion :).
Love this list Katy. Any attempts to talk someone out of how they're feeling, or offer unsolicited advice are just a no-no in my book, yet still we try 😣
My (well-meaning of course) brother said to me “I just wonder if a long time ago you were depressed and now you’re not but you’ve kind of decided that you just are and so now you just *think* you’re still depressed and think you can’t not be.”
I got a lot of ‘you think too much’ when I asked how they thought I might stop they said ‘well, that’s not for me to find out’. My worst therapist decided that I must have been sexually abused as a child and had repressed the memory. When I left and said I wasn’t coming back, he called me at home despite me asking him not to contact me. Fun times
Gosh Katy, I am really sorry you went through that. I've had some similar encounters with therapists re sexual abuse. It's a strange business (in fact anything that's care related that is also a business worries me - same as art being a business!) I'm glad it's not just me.
In the past, I just haven’t talked about it. It comes and goes. The time I was on the couch and couldn’t get up was the only time I got useful advice: you need to go see someone. After seeing someone, I learned being honest about it helps a little. At least, helps normalize that it doesn’t always look like lying on the couch. But still folks suggest making gratitude lists. The shame of *knowing* there’s so much good and still feeling awful is part of the pain, though.
all super annoying. the only kind thing to do for someone who is having any bad feeling is to sit with them in that bad feeling. the temptation when someone brings us a bad feeling is to just say “no, this is not happening” because the reality that we are powerless to change bad feelings (except superficially) is too painful. you’re having a terrible feeling! I see you! I wish I could change the bad feeling for you but I can’t. here, hold my hand (if you’re not a Taurus) until it passes 🩷
You know it! Such good advice Esther.
I recently did the NHS webinar for ‘low mood’ (why won’t they just call it depression?) because it was all they could offer quickly aside from anti depressants. The counselor kept saying things like “today try to get up and do just one of the dishes in the sink” or “tomorrow see if you can call one friend and maybe leave the house”. I was fully functioning yet deeply depressed. The dishes were not the issue! And calling a friend is usually the absolute last thing a depressed person wants to do as there is so much shame. There is little understanding for people who aren’t displaying stereotypical signs of depression.
100 million per cent agree. I wonder (though this is unsubstantiated) whether women suffer more with this kind of depression. We're so programmed to keep our shit together and spin all those plates otherwise we won't be taken seriously. So even when we're feeling the worst, it would be EVEN worse to let the dishes not be done. Thank you so much for sharing, it makes us all feel less alone.
Oof, I feel this! Some of my favourites (aka the worst) were: “But you’ve got so much to be happy about!” “How can you be depressed when you’re travelling, you’re so lucky!” “You’re not like ‘kill yourself’ level sad though are you?”
It feels weird to like this comment, but you know what I mean! Thank you for sharing Seoana. The last one in particular, uff, what a corker.
I'm absolutely sure you'll be familiar with Allie Brosh but just in case your readers haven't had the pleasure, your post made me think of this, when she's trying to explain about the fish http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
Oh my goodness, I did know Allie Brosh, but hadn't seen this post before just bits of it. She is pure genius. Thank you so much for sharing Nicola!
She really is a genius. I think about this one about chores - ‘Wait what am I, some sort of wizard?’ - at least once a week 🤣 http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Allie Brosh is genius
I can remember a shrink saying to me once, "every time you feel down, ping this elastic band on your wrist".......
My oncologist said “you don’t look depressed” two weeks after my cancer diagnosis, aged 26. What do you want Karen, screaming and tears? I’m trying to hold my shit together
“We all have bad days” …. We do Karen, we do… and I get those on top of depression 🤦♀️
"So, when you get a job, the depression will be gone, right?" That’s what the person at the unemployment office said to me, just after I was laid off from my job in the health sector. As being jobless was the underlying reason for feeling depressed... It had been a job I genuinely enjoyed. And it was overwhelming for me. The reason I mentioned my depression in the first place was because writing job applications had become... well, difficult.
Thanks for sharing, Katy – and to everyone else who’s left a comment here. Thanks for the love and compassion :).
“if you wanted to feel better you would “
ummmm nope.
Love this list Katy. Any attempts to talk someone out of how they're feeling, or offer unsolicited advice are just a no-no in my book, yet still we try 😣
My (well-meaning of course) brother said to me “I just wonder if a long time ago you were depressed and now you’re not but you’ve kind of decided that you just are and so now you just *think* you’re still depressed and think you can’t not be.”
*cue meme of lady with a halo of math equations*
I got a lot of ‘you think too much’ when I asked how they thought I might stop they said ‘well, that’s not for me to find out’. My worst therapist decided that I must have been sexually abused as a child and had repressed the memory. When I left and said I wasn’t coming back, he called me at home despite me asking him not to contact me. Fun times
Gosh Katy, I am really sorry you went through that. I've had some similar encounters with therapists re sexual abuse. It's a strange business (in fact anything that's care related that is also a business worries me - same as art being a business!) I'm glad it's not just me.
I’m so sorry that you had that too. Rough isn’t it? But as you say, there is comfort in knowing that we are not on our own here. xx
My GOD what things to say to someone!! 😵