Beautiful moving essay. Having been there myself, and also walked away I can imagine the process you wrestle with. I’d like to share what I have learned over the past 9 1/2 years of deep processing following our divorce.
: the love you feel and felt is real.
: you love the best part of him, and that best part is real.
: walking away was a better choice than living the insanity of an addict’s life
: addiction does not end, the only change which is possible is that person’s relationship to to the substance can change. But they remain an addict always.
: if you ever are reconsidering trying again with him, pause for one minute and ask yourself one question, “What’s changed?”
: when you can one day forgive the lies and hurt, allowing yourself to enjoy the real feelings you have had from being loved is helpful. The fact remains that we cannot split off the addict from the lover
Hi Teyani, this was such a beautiful thing to read and even though I can't quite feel the truth of it all right now, I also can tell in my gut that it is absolutely true. Thank you for sharing it- and with all the people who'll have read your response here. Your learnings deserve a substack of their own.
Beautiful and challenging piece that must have been tough to write. Reminds me of Joanne Hogg’s film about an affair with an addict, “The Souvenier”. It is so tempting to fall for the illusion that we can save a person when others have failed. It rarely works out that way.
this is a sad but beautiful read. to me it's a story of addiction and to recover you should seek help from AlAnon. i was shocked how helpful and unearthing the process of talking to them was. x
I’m so sorry you’ve been through all this and can feel your pain through your words. (I always find writing about things helps: it gives my emotions shape and form and helps me look at them from a slight distance.) keep writing. There are so many different kinds of love, I’m sure you will find a better love.
So beautiful and touching... This has moved me considerably. Wishing you all the best in rebuilding yourself, everything comes with a lesson and I'm sure you will find the positives one day
Katy - there is so much I want to say to this, and so much I relate to (so much so for a moment I was wondering if the same people were involved) but it’s a beautiful piece of piece of writing, and though we’ve never met, I am sending you so much love x
Knowing when to walk away is one of the greatest skills a woman can have. When every narrative, story, and social expectation tells us to stay, the power of leaving as a woman is huge. I am so so impressed with you, and your decision to leave. What a woman you are!
Thank you for putting your whole heart on the page here. It was beautiful.
Thank you Salma, and I love your words, I wish I'd written them! Someone needs to write a book 'How to Leave Him'. Your words are so heartening, thank you.
Oh my god, Katy Loftus. This is so me right now. Not with an addict but with a husband who has been conducting an affair for our whole relationship (ie 16 years) and will not leave either of us. It's horrendous. I wont go into the details but so much of what you said is so true and what I have been thinking. It is SO painful. I especially relate to these words " the facts of someone’s existence tells us who they really are. Not their words, not their truth. ... I keep thinking about the word ‘partner’ ... A person who actively shares half of the burden of life, who gives as much as they receive over time, who has the ability to pull out when that is no longer the case, who knows I will do the same. Love can overcome all odds, but at what expense? Self-sacrifice for another can lead to losing the self entirely. And what about the person you sacrifice for? How do they grow if they don’t feel the pain of consequence? What do they learn if everyone they love takes the hit, not them? Maybe love was invented in the absence of other options, for those with no choice but to stay." I have no choice but to stay for both financial and parenting reasons. For now. And writing helps me cope until I can be free. Thank you for this. I love Substack!
((Hugs)) of empathy go out to you. One thing that might help while you process all of this is to find a way to maintain your personal integrity despite not being in the position to move and divorce at this time. (Shore up your boundaries, don’t keep secrets from the kids.. they already know what is going on, even if they are young, separate physically as much as possible, keep your respect for yourself and be kind to yourself. You have zero culpability for HIS choices).
Hi Angela, I am so sorry you're going through this nightmare situation. You've reminded me how lucky I was that I at least had the option to leave. It also strikes me how incredibly strong you are to be coping through it, and for so long, even if you don't feel strong at all. You will be free.
“The ability to narrate our lives, particularly our romances, may be one of the most destructive skills we have.” … “What do they learn if everyone they love takes the hit, not them?”
This whole essay was so well expressed and beautifully done.
Beautiful moving essay. Having been there myself, and also walked away I can imagine the process you wrestle with. I’d like to share what I have learned over the past 9 1/2 years of deep processing following our divorce.
: the love you feel and felt is real.
: you love the best part of him, and that best part is real.
: walking away was a better choice than living the insanity of an addict’s life
: addiction does not end, the only change which is possible is that person’s relationship to to the substance can change. But they remain an addict always.
: if you ever are reconsidering trying again with him, pause for one minute and ask yourself one question, “What’s changed?”
: when you can one day forgive the lies and hurt, allowing yourself to enjoy the real feelings you have had from being loved is helpful. The fact remains that we cannot split off the addict from the lover
Hi Teyani, this was such a beautiful thing to read and even though I can't quite feel the truth of it all right now, I also can tell in my gut that it is absolutely true. Thank you for sharing it- and with all the people who'll have read your response here. Your learnings deserve a substack of their own.
Thank you Katy, I’m glad it came thru as I intended. I do have a Substack…
https://stayingtogether.substack.com/
Beautiful and challenging piece that must have been tough to write. Reminds me of Joanne Hogg’s film about an affair with an addict, “The Souvenier”. It is so tempting to fall for the illusion that we can save a person when others have failed. It rarely works out that way.
Thanks so much Miranda. Tough to write, but so cathartic to share the pain and give it shape. And to be read by people like you :)
this is a sad but beautiful read. to me it's a story of addiction and to recover you should seek help from AlAnon. i was shocked how helpful and unearthing the process of talking to them was. x
Very moving, Katy. Thank you for sharing it. Love to you.
You have done the right thing
I’m so sorry you’ve been through all this and can feel your pain through your words. (I always find writing about things helps: it gives my emotions shape and form and helps me look at them from a slight distance.) keep writing. There are so many different kinds of love, I’m sure you will find a better love.
Thank you so much Sue, for the read, and the kind and understanding words.
So beautiful and touching... This has moved me considerably. Wishing you all the best in rebuilding yourself, everything comes with a lesson and I'm sure you will find the positives one day
Thank you so much Ailsa.
Katy - there is so much I want to say to this, and so much I relate to (so much so for a moment I was wondering if the same people were involved) but it’s a beautiful piece of piece of writing, and though we’ve never met, I am sending you so much love x
Thank you so much Jennie. It's so helpful to know we're not alone, thank you for reaching out. Sending you very much love back xx
Bedtime stories for heartbroken girls, I love this line and so many others. Beautiful words as always Katy. proud of you xo
Knowing when to walk away is one of the greatest skills a woman can have. When every narrative, story, and social expectation tells us to stay, the power of leaving as a woman is huge. I am so so impressed with you, and your decision to leave. What a woman you are!
Thank you for putting your whole heart on the page here. It was beautiful.
Thank you Salma, and I love your words, I wish I'd written them! Someone needs to write a book 'How to Leave Him'. Your words are so heartening, thank you.
It sounds like you might be the perfect person to write that book. x
Oh my god, Katy Loftus. This is so me right now. Not with an addict but with a husband who has been conducting an affair for our whole relationship (ie 16 years) and will not leave either of us. It's horrendous. I wont go into the details but so much of what you said is so true and what I have been thinking. It is SO painful. I especially relate to these words " the facts of someone’s existence tells us who they really are. Not their words, not their truth. ... I keep thinking about the word ‘partner’ ... A person who actively shares half of the burden of life, who gives as much as they receive over time, who has the ability to pull out when that is no longer the case, who knows I will do the same. Love can overcome all odds, but at what expense? Self-sacrifice for another can lead to losing the self entirely. And what about the person you sacrifice for? How do they grow if they don’t feel the pain of consequence? What do they learn if everyone they love takes the hit, not them? Maybe love was invented in the absence of other options, for those with no choice but to stay." I have no choice but to stay for both financial and parenting reasons. For now. And writing helps me cope until I can be free. Thank you for this. I love Substack!
((Hugs)) of empathy go out to you. One thing that might help while you process all of this is to find a way to maintain your personal integrity despite not being in the position to move and divorce at this time. (Shore up your boundaries, don’t keep secrets from the kids.. they already know what is going on, even if they are young, separate physically as much as possible, keep your respect for yourself and be kind to yourself. You have zero culpability for HIS choices).
Hi Angela, I am so sorry you're going through this nightmare situation. You've reminded me how lucky I was that I at least had the option to leave. It also strikes me how incredibly strong you are to be coping through it, and for so long, even if you don't feel strong at all. You will be free.
This was a moving read, beautifully written. I'm glad I stumbled across it. All the best to you, Katy.
“The ability to narrate our lives, particularly our romances, may be one of the most destructive skills we have.” … “What do they learn if everyone they love takes the hit, not them?”
This whole essay was so well expressed and beautifully done.